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Beer Sense and Nonsense

Nowadays all beers carrying the Abbeydale logo have a common theme - an illustration based on a ruined Abbey, in a variety of locations, and a vaguely ecclesiastical name. Back in the early days of the Brewery we also released some beers under the Beer Works name with its associated logo. We haven't used this for a while, but it is still a great logo.

Beerworks logo

This is a long list of all the beers and artwork for Abbeydale Brewery with all artwork and illustration, and most of the silliness, by Ivan Bradley of Conceptual Eye Design.

These are pages of fairly fanciful stuff. When lacking content for the web pages, our artist let his imagination loose and invented stuff (that's what artists are for). We thought it was funny so we have left it here for your entertainment. Tasting notes on the regular beers are real. For ease of navigation, if you are reading this on-line, the beers are grouped below.

 


Abbeydale Regular beers

These beers are available all the time. We try very hard not to run out of any of these. The exception is Last Rites which is only brewed a few times a year. We keep it on our permanent list to tantalise people. Publicans often pre-book to bag some for the next time we brew. The knowledgeable ones amongst them cellar it for a few months to let it mature even further.

Click here to go to the regular beers or click on an image below.

Matins pumpclipBrimstone pumpclipMoonshine pumpclipAbsolution pumpclipBlack Mass pumpclipLast Rites pumpclip


Abbeydale Seasonal Beers

At any time we brew one or two seasonal beers in addition to our regular beers. Sometimes we will revive an old favourite, often we'll come up with a new name we like, commission some artwork and do a new one. It keeps the beer tickers on their toes. Sometimes we do a limited run of a special - often to try out a new hop or flavouring. The beers listed here have all been sold for some time at some time and may appear again if we feel like it. Oh and by the way, our seasonals change when we feel like it. A beer that's selling well may stay on for ages, a less popular one will be replaced more quickly. Sometimes we refuse to brew a beer 'cos we know we'll have tantrums from customers when we take it off again. (It makes a sort of sense, honest).

Click here to go to the seasonals list or click on a name below.

Advent, Alchemy, Archangel, Belfry, Best Bitter, Black Bishop, Dark Angel, Decadence, DevotionEvilFruition, Hells Bells, Holy Water, Illumination, Invocation, Mother's Ruin, Original Sin, Prophecy, Redemption, Resolution, Restoration, Resurrection, Sanctuary, Stormbringer, Temptation, Turning Point, Vespers, Wheat Beer, White Christmas, White Knight, White Lady.


Specials

Some other brews are produced occasionally, typically for beer festivals or other special events - such as the 50th Anniversary of the conquest of Everest or occasionally for a special customer - such as the infamous Black Lurcher brewed for the Three Stags heads in Derbyshire. Some of these are included. Festival Special beers often don't have pumpclips and sometimes pumpclips are produced not by us, so we don't have the artwork. Sometimes Festival organisers order our beer and the rebadge it as a Festival Special without telling us, so we don't even know what name they have used. Still we're not control freaks. Just don't expect us to know all the names our beer has been sold under.

Click here to see some of our specials.


Beerworks

In the early days of the brewery we ran a parallel theme, using the Beer Works as the uniting idea. As the Abbey gained currency this was quietly dropped. The pumpclips were good though, as were the beers, so the pumpclips, if not the beers, are reproduced here. Click here to go to the Beerworks or click on an individual name below.

Drop Hammer, Mild, Steam Hammer, Steel Hammer, UXB, Wheat Beer

 


Dr Morton's range

Our artist occasionally produces off-the-wall artwork which we have no intention of using. He usually does this under the pressure of having a real pumpclip to produce, against a deadline. A deadline in this context usually means that the beer is in conditioning tank, already sold, a few days away from delivery across the country and we still don't have the artwork to produce pumpclips. Anyway the most complete set of lunacy is the "Dr Mortons" range. They'd never sell, but they are entertaining (if your mind bends the same way as the artist) so they are included here. Click here to go to the Dr Morton range or click on a name below

Brainwash, Embalming Preparation , Goat Flush, Horse Tonic, Sheep Remedy, Snake Oil

 


Abbeydale Regular Beers


Matins 3.6% - the breakfast beer

Matins pumpclipA pale, light ale. Brewed using extravagant amounts of North American hops to give it full flavours and lots of body that make it taste like a much stronger beer. The hops give it a flowery nose and hints of lychees in the flavours.

Matins came about as a consequence of deciding to "brew a beer from muesli," deeming it suitable for the sort of liquid breakfast that ought to find its way onto the set of Red Dwarf or Men Behaving Badly. The inventive grist has long since given way to pure Maris Otter pale malt.

Matins is easily digestible it also makes a light refreshing drink at ANY hour. Devotees of "Father Ted" will understand how, incidentally, that Matins (a good Yorkshire word,) is pronounced "Mattins" and not "ma-tan". as it would be in the song line "Sonnez les matins" when telling t'French brother Jack to get up and ring t'bells for t'mornin'ding-dang-dong. We have no record of any reply from the rudely-awakened brother Jack, who is not to be confused with the well-known breakfast drink connoisseur Father Jack, whose comments upon stirring are legendary but may be edited down by taking away all the naughty expletives, leaving only, "DRINK!!" Therefore, "Buvez les Matins, ding dang dongggg!" as they say all over Yorkshire.

Flushed with success after suggesting a breakfast beer made from muesli, our designer needed forcibly restraining after insisting we go ahead with a beer brewed to be drunk in cinemas. Look out for The Beer Works' "X certificate," brewed from popcorn... appearing at your local hostelry if he ever gets out of the cellar.

Design note: Matins was the first pumpclip to feature the ruined abbey motif.

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Brimstone 3.9%

Brimstone pumpclipA well balanced, russet coloured ale. It has a hoppy character, good bitterness and a rounded finish. This is Abbeydale's refreshing take on a classic English bitter.

We had tried a Best Bitter but people seemed to think that was too ordinary for our brewery. So we sat down and had a big think. We came up with a new recipe and a new name.

The brewers who invented the name had visions of the ruined abbey on a sea of fire or something suitably brimstoney. So the artist comes up with a horned devil in a pentacle. Disappointed brewers, but a great beer and one which is building up quite a following. And not a single customer has queried the image on the pumpclip.

 

 

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Moonshine 4.3%

Moonshine pumpclipFinest quality pale malt carrying choicest west coast American hops to create a beautifully balanced pale ale. The aroma is fragrant, fruity. The flavours are mellow with hints of bubblegum and refreshing grapefruit. The finish is bittersweet, without being cloying.

This is consistently Abbeydale Brewery's biggest selling beer.

First brewed in 1996 it was designed as a premium pale bitter to show drinkers of a very big and old-established brewery's offering just what a beer could taste like... After a bit of name-calling and throwing of stones, it had no trouble in establishing a reputation as the genuine Sheffield Gold Beer. It is now available as a "regular" beer at a number of outlets in and around Sheffield.

It was an immediate hit - the very first batch won the "Beer of The festival" prize at Sheffield Beer Festival.

The name isn't eccesiastical, but it's such a good name and such a lovely image, we couldn't resist. And why should we, we make the rules and we don't like rules.

Shine on...

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Absolution 5.3%

Absolution pumpclipStrong, pale beer. Quite sweet balanced by some bitterness, overall very mellow drinking. Characteristic hop aromas come from British hops, but this is not too floral. Hints of lychee as it goes down. Very drinkable.

Abbeydale Brewery brews a range of beers throughout the seasons, and demand for Absolution constantly increases as time goes on, season in and season out.

The first brew was in August 1996 and the beer was showcased at the Derbyshire Three Stags Heads (see our pubs section) Three firkins were delivered and upon return of the delivery vehicle to the brewery, a plaintive phonecall from the recipient landlord, "Customers in desperate need of Absolution" meant a trip back out again with more.

Winner of many awards, Absolution is a perennial favourite. We're proud of it and we drink it at home.

The image on the label features the ubiquitous abbey and a rainbow, painstakingly created with the digital airbrush without any filters.

"Dammit Jim I'm an artist not a technician."

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Black Mass 6.66% - the A.B.V. of the Beast!

Black MassA mix dark malts and a secret combination of hops result in complex flavours. Liquorice to start, then coffee and bitter chocolate with a warm alcoholic finish. Robust, full-bodied and black as sin. A true beast of a brew.

The Abbeydale Brewery produces yet another best seller for the cognoscenti. The beer was very deliberately brewed to have an alcohol content of 6.66%. The triple six number should be familiar enough to all bible scholars, watchers of The Omen and anyone who ever read a diabolical horror story as being the phone number of the Beast of the Apocalypse.

The Pope always has a pint of this whenever he drops in at our local. Leastways he claims he's the Pope. Last Thursday, in Sainsbury's, shopping for Cognac, he assured us he was Napoleon.

The baleful candle image and foreground were painted entirely on screen using a virtual airbrush, working against a transparent background. Then the image of the ruin was assembled on the dark background and the composite dropped in behind the candle and consolidated into one image before being retouched and lettered.

A session on Black Mass should always be followed by a plea for the barman to give Absolution.

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Last Rites 11%

Last Rites pumpclipBrewed only with pale malts and American hops, this is a pale, fantastically strong barley wine with tons of flavour. It is dangerously more-ish and some people have drunk far more than was good for them.

High A.B.V. beers have been described as "gimmick" beers, to be enjoyed only in small quantities for their hideous potency. They are also often dark - to hide the murkiness. This is not the case at all with Last Rites. Patrick set out to create a high gravity beer which was as pale as it could be, and truly drinkable.

Last Rites really IS a premium brew, unusually pale in colour and full of rich malty flavour to tease and satisfy the palate. At 11% alcohol by volume, Last Rites is more of a wine than a beer and its drinking should therefore be treated with the respect becoming such a solemn undertaking.

It is brewed only two or three times a year. Whenever we can it is lagered for 100 days to give time for the flavours to mature and develop. This gives an unusually smooth beer with strong tones of smooth subtle toffee and a hint of roasted sugar which doesn't overpower the full malt flavour base. The bitterness from the hops keeps the sweetness in check and allows the fuller spectrum of flavours to reach the palate without the cloying burning honey and acid effect of many high alcohol recipes.

In short, in spite of its fearsome alcohol content, Last Rites is a thoroughly delicious drink which has been brewed with every care for it flavour and potability.

Enjoy it quietly!!!!!

Last Rites - Pale and fantastically strong

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Abbeydale Seasonal Beers


Advent 4.6%

Advent pumpclipThe Emperor Penguin is a very large bird, with a bizarre reproductive cycle. It has very cold feet It comes just once a year.Advent comes just before Christmas and has a calendar named after it. At Christmas time, the postman comes twice every day, even on Sundays. On a leap year, Sunday sometimes falls on a Saturday.

This was patiently explained as if to an idiot by the the brewery accountant, recently returned from a temple-robbing expedition somewhere on a plateau overlooking the Amazon.

Tipping back the rim of his battered hat with the butt-end of his bullwhip, he took another sip of the fine ale and went on to explain the subtleties of double-entry tomb raiding to the incredulous and, today, hardly temperamental artist who was busy trying to balance a beer mat, edgewise on the head of a passing mongoose.

The accountant took a crumpled photograph out of his wallet, dropping his driving licence on the floor as he passed the photograph over, "The temple of Hungachon Gwebdapittlicato!" he announced, triumphantly. "They said it didn't exist, but by golly, we found it. Only had time to liberate a few trinkets before the volcano sucked it down into the molten ground and it disappeared forever."

The artist squinted at the photograph. "Why do these trees look like small twigs with dyed cotton-wool stick on them?"

"It's the light - in the Amazon basin, the volcanic dust makes a kind of..."

"And these figures.. the Indians - why do they have these rectangular pieces of ground under their feet? And these two jaguars - they are in different places, but each is exactly in the same pose as the other.. and they've got little rectangular pieces of ground, too.."

The accountant snatched the photograph out of the artist's hands, muttering something about prolonged exposure to light damaging it.

"Anyway, I need that for my expenses claim."

The bemused artist bent to pick up the driving licence

"Did you drop this?" he enquired, opening it and peering inside.

"Yes!" snapped the accountant, holding his hand out.

"Hang on a minute.. It can't be. It hasn't got your name on it. Look here, where your name should be - it doesn't say 'Indiana Solo' at all."

"That's my professional name!" shouted the accountant, snatching the licence back and stuffing it into his wallet alongside the photograph and the equity card in the name "Harrison Fraud."

"Fancy another beer?? "Not half!"

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Alchemy 4.2%

Alchemy pumpclip

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Archangel 4.7%

Archangel pumpclipArchangel, first brewed at the beginning of 1999.

A single-malt, MOPA and Brammling Cross hops.

Massively popular, but we only do it occasionally because we don't want to spoil you completely. If everyday were a holiday, then where would we be? Supping Archangel all year round probably.

Any ways up, we'll let you have it now and again if you promise to be very, very good.

A lovely clean-tasting top-fermented beer with simple yet distinctive flavour reminiscent of a fine Belgian beer. Pastoral apple-peel, grassy.

For a detailed explanation of how Ivan Bradley at Conceptual Eye created this image, there is a separate page of technical notes.

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Belfry 4.5%

Belfry pumpclipPat Morton, Brewmaster and a great lover of cricket, commissioned The Temperamental Artist to knock up a new label.

"Think Village Green, and church bells.." he instructed. "A nice rural theme," he continued, absently stepping forward to an imaginary crease to fend an imaginary ball way over to the imaginary onside boundary in the brewery typing pool...

The Temperamental Artist fidgeted as the Famous Cricketer before him explained, in outline, exactly what he wanted.

"What do you think?"

"What? Umm..? Oh.. er.. yes.. er... I've got it, me."

He picked up a crayon from out of his bag, grabbed the open diary and began sketching all over the first weekend in July.

"OK.. Look at this. Didn't you say something about balls bouncing off a crease? I've got this great idea - it's like this.. and this.. "

"GOOD GRIEF! - NO!" shouted the brewer, ripping the page from the diary and shredding it into thousands of unrecoverable pieces. "You'll get us all busted!"

The artist stood uncomprehending as even more words whistled over his head.

"I want ... think 'playing the game.' Give me flannel. I want a load of balls, but most of all, something typically reminiscent of the Old Country. Put the whole emphasis on... bats.. B_a_t_s - not that," he gestured, shuddering. towards the flames licking the waste basket. "Bats. Can you handle it?"

The Temperamental Artist nodded blankly, scratching the side of his neck with the spanner he'd just been using there.

"Bats? Are you sure?"

"Of course I'm sure. I can picture it now... the lush green, the leathery sound.. soaring through the air... "

The Temperamental Artist shuffled off, baffled but.. confidentused.

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Best Bitter 4.0%

Abbeydale best Bitter pumpclipBest Bitter is a very traditional bitter beer, the sort that has always been a huge part of life in the local community, along with Yorkshire pudding and teaching your whippet to play t'euphonium.

Abbeydale has turned out a beer that is perfect for sitting around the local pub with a few mates and discussing how well/poorly the Local team fared last Saturday and did anyone see that documentary about meercats and aren't they funny little guys and by the way, let's have another of this fine beer that we're drinking and 'ey up, lad, it's YOUR round and can you get some peanuts and ask that new barmaid her name?

A good all-night session vocal lubricant for anyone not driving home.

The grist is mainly Maris Otter Pale Ale malt with crystal and black malts to give a more traditional bite. Hops are a carefully balanced recipe, including English Fuggles along with Target and Cascade (from the Cascade Mountains!)

Although a lovely beer and a really nice design, this failed to grab the attention of our public, so it was superseded by the very popular Brimstone.

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Black Bishop 4.2%

Black Bisho pumpclipIt's dark and ... dark.

"Chess? What's with all this chess thing, suddenly? Couldn't you put something on the label that's more... well, beery?"

"What, like have the bishop being breathylised or something?"

Groan....

"Legless Queen?"

"Good grief!!"

"Can't we call it wide-legged pawn then?"

Holds head in hands, speechless....

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Dark Angel 4.7%

Dark Angel pumpclipDark Angel is the sister brew to Archangel, but where Archangel is light and sunny, watching an English village cricket match from atop a stationery haywain on a balmy summer's day, Dark Angel is a smouldering melange of dark-noted flavours sitting like hot embers in a chalice, brooding like a sleeping serpent dreaming of wrapping you in its warm, honey smooth coils. Dark Angel is (that's enough of that - editor)

There again, it's just a drink - but what a drink. A combination of MOPA and dark malts gives the rich flavour to a brew which is in other respects so like Archangel.

 

 

 

 

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Decadence 6%

Decadence pumpclip

This is a limited edition special beer available June 2006. Russet coloured and strong with rich spicy flavours. It was brewed to celebrate the Brewery's 10th Birthday.

The original pumpclip artwork provided by the overwrought artist was mildly pornographic. Reactions from the brewery personnel ranged from shrieks of delight to groans with head in hands. Definitely decadent.

It was decided we did not want to make national headlines, or alienate our female audience so a more demure, close-up version was agreed on.

 

 

 

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Devotion 4.4%

Devotion pumpclip

 

This pumclip occasioned our only formal complaint, directly to us, about our beer names and pumpclips. Someone rang the brewery and complained that representing Our Lord in this way was not appropriate. We were polite. It is actually a bloke from Birmingham, a mate of our artist.

In general people seem to get the joke and share the humour, which we try to keep the right side of bad taste.

 

 

 

 

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Evil 4.6%

evil pumpclip

 

A new special in July 2006. Old gold coloured.

 

 

 

 

 

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Fruition 5.0%

Fruition PumplipFestive Fruition pumpclipFirst brewed in October 2006, this was a creation by Head Brewer Richard Hough. The recipe includes English hops and the addition of dried fruit in the boil. The aim to produce a beer chock full of autumn fruit flavours.

The pumpclip is one for the pagans among you. It is based on the Tarot card The Empress. If you don't get the connection go look it up.

At Christmastime we introduced a festive version with some wonderful spicing. This was distinguished by the snow on the pumpclip.

 

 

 

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Hells Bells/Hells Belles 5.8%

Hells Bells pumpclipHells Belles pumpclipSame beer, two labels.

Rather one beer with the official label for respectable establishments such as the one you drink in, and the limited-edition biker "let's all vomit on each other and pretend we're enjoying ourselves 'cos we're hard" party special for weirdos, degenerates and mid-life delinquents.

The Belles alternative was insisted on by the brewery's fine but temperamental* artist whose preferred mode of transport is either motorcycle or one of those special ambulances with a nicely padded interior and no handles on the inside of the doors.

OK, what can we say about the beer? Hells Bells is a winter-warmer special that's not quite as seasonal as White Christmas, so we can sell more of it over a longer period and try and recoup some of the cost of the fantastically-expensive label design.

It's a dark beer. It has that "cough-cure" puddingy flavour that tastes like you're wrapped-up in a heavy warm coat with a big thick woolly scarf and mittens sipping mulled wine by a bonfire. Mulled wine? Oh yes. Trust us on this.

We look forward to very cold weather so we can feel all sniggly and warm inside "Chestnits roasting on an open fire, Jack Frost wibbling on your toes…"

In the spirit of instructions that come with Playstation and new digital cameras warning us "not to eat batteries" or advising us that "intentionally inserting product into body cavities may impair performance and will possibly lead to health problems", before drinking Hells Bell(e)s, remember to uncover mouth if wrapped around with big thick woolly scarf. It may impair flavour.and may possibly cause dribbly drooly mess. Thankyou for having purchase fine product made with a quality and able perseverance. Not to mix with unsuitable fluids or to operate while standing in bath.

*confused

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Holy Water 6.0%

Holy Water pumpclip

Much loved beer in the Birmingham area for some reason. We are often asked to brew this by a wholesaler who distributes iin that area. Eventually he manages to get one the brewers sufficiently drunk to agree to his demands. He succeeded in early 2007 which is why the beer made a brief appearance in February 2007.

 

 

 

 

 

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Illumination 4.8%

Illumination pumpclip"Can we sell this in Blackpool, Pat?"

"Why, is it full o' Buddhists, or summat?"

" No... I don't think so, but every year the town gets all lit up and tourists flock there to look at the pretty lights and go Wow!"

"What, like Woodstock revival type thing?"

"No. Look, it's simple. A picture is worth a thousand words. Repeat one thousand times - 'Blethpostulargrobulous.'"

"Will I see God?"

"No, but you can see my analyst."

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Invocation 4.2%

Invocation pumpclipEye of Newt and toe of frog, wool of bat and a pleasant mixture of hops with a slightly flowery note.

We met a strange, staring-eyed and shaking man in our local. Professor Santon Yogguarth from Miskatonic University on an exchange programme with Sheffield Hallam University Faculty of Dark Arts.

The Professor seemed to be staring through the woodchip-papered and nicotine-magnolia'd wall at a point infinitely far away and yet oddly intrusive on his prescience as he rambled and muttered on and on in an intense and disturbing monotone about certain shunned rites which he had been researching after coming into possession of an unholy manuscript believed to have originated somewhere among the Chek-Tzis people in Attercliffe.

He had read it disbelievingly, holding the crumbling yellow manuscript in trembling fingers as he sat in the gloom of his attic domicile in Arkham. It was then that he drcided to set sail for England and leave behind the dingy odd-angled room with its guttering candles and view of the town's drab and diseased graveyard and would try to drive the fear which had been growing in him away by proving that what he had read could not possibly be true.

The crossing was a long and arduous one, and the professor had ample time to reflect and prepare himself for the horrors to come, and yet he remained not entirely convinced. His skepticism was allayed and mutated somewhat by the two-day encounter with the giant squid which had appeared from nowhere in the middle of the storm which had claimed the lives of two of the crew and about which the captain had made several entries in his log before tearing them violently out and re-writing, "Lost overboard" in a sprawling and sanguine hand and then locking himself in his quarters with an entire cask of rum and a stilton.

The professor was a solitary man, and his presence remained virtually unnoticed as he insinuated himself into life at the University, breaking his endless cycles of work, sleep and more work by sliding into the local tavern and getting violently drunk on a Last Rites and Bourbon cocktail of his own invention which he said "helped him forget…"

Haltingly, and with an occasional cowering twitch as if someone - or something - was about to break through the woodchip wall and menace him, he told his strange tale of how he had set out to raise that which could not be named and had stood at midnight in the moon-shadow of that old ruined church that we locals take steps even to avoid on bright sunny days as it seems always to have about it the deep chill of a sunless winter where birds do not sing and sheep graze elsewhere.

He had drawn his cryptic sigils in the dust, and performed the perambulations of the art, holding aloft the shrunken and loathsome relic which even he would not name but which, he claimed, remained even now in the stained and cracked Gladstone bag which he clutched firmly between his feet and which the pub's cat, normally friendly to strange feet, was avoiding with arch-backed deliberation.

He had raised high that loathsome thing as he intoned the words of the manuscript, his voice rising and falling on the howling wind which had sprung up as if to his call. and dark, purposeful shadows seemed to be drawing around the circle he had scratched in the dust as, with increasing difficulty, he finished his long and complicated reading.as the last visible star winked out like a snuffed candle. As he stood there in the stygian gloom, shaking from head to foot and regretting everything that had brought him her, a strange figure shuffled into view, hardly human as if someone had animated a pile of tattered rags and cast them roughly in the shape of a man.

"What'd. what do you want?" gasped the professor through the handkerchief he had clutched to his face to stymie the oppressive stench which seemed to have arisen like a dreadful miasma in the preceding few seconds.

The answer came swiftly as, in a halting and vegetative voice the spectre announced with a bizarrely cheerful lilt,, "I thought I'd find you here!"

With these words, the hellish phantasm thrust forth a plastic carrier bag into the professor's hands before turning around and shuffling back off into the night, whistling tunelessly and tripping over a fallen gravestone with loud and delayed cursing before finally disappearing forever.

It seemed several hours before the professor could move, but when sense and feeling came back to him he left that place as fast as his legs could carry him, plunging through the darkness until he found himself… here. We all looked around, silently, waiting for the next scene to unfold.

"And this," he said triumphantly dragging a bundle out from inside his coat," is the very carrier bag!"

With those words, he leaped to his feet, dropped the carrier bag on the table and ran for the door, clutching the Gladstone bag and a nearly-empty glass. This was the last time he was ever seen.

What was in the carrier bag? Nothing much, really. A couple of overdue library books and an empty Odour-Eaters insole packet, a shrink-wrapped comb and … a piece of paper.

What was on that paper, written in incredibly neat and ornamented script, was a recipe. A recipe for a fine and smooth ale. We followed the instructions carefully - and we called it Invocation. If the professor ever reads this, and wants to come back and try it, we'll stand him a couple.

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Mother's Ruin

Mothers Ruin Pumpclip

A lovely pumpclip image we have had around for a while but not used - largely because the brewer's mother refused to sell a beer called Mother's Ruin. The present sales force have no such objections and this is due to go on sale in 2007.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Original Sin 4.9%

Original Sin pumpclip

This pumpclip was another cause of differences with the talented artist.

The original version had the face of a well-known brewery person on the male and was vetoed by his wife, whilst everyone else rolled around on the floor giggling.

Said personage was unhappy with making such an appearence, being naturally shy, and went along with his wife's recommendation, not really understanding what all the fuss was about until some months later when he overheard two of the brewery gnomes discussing said pumpclip. "Oh you mean the one with X on with the fourteen year old girl and holding a pint and a spliff."

 

 

 

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Prophecy 4.5%

Prophecy pumpclipIt does what it says on the tin.

"But it's only available on draught!" protested the head of the brewery's Legal Department.

"Ha! - so it doesn't actually say anything on the tin, at all." retorted the new publicity manager, triumphantly.

"That means that we can make all sorts of outrageous claims so long as we don't actually state them explicitly, and the customer can infer whatever he likes - or whatever we want him to..."

The drayman's masseuse cut him off in mid sentence.

"You're new here, aren't you?"

"Yes, but..."

"And you've never had a proper job before, have you?"

The new publicity manager drew himself up to his full height, smoothing his blazer to remove an imaginary speck of imaginary dust.

"I'll have you know I was a senior health service manager before I came here, in a busy teaching hospital and made all sorts of improvements to that service..."

"So why are you here, then, instead of there?"

"Well, it's obvious, isn't it? I improved the service so resources weren't being squandered, and I met the new manpower target directives."

"So why are you here, then, instead of there?"

"Well.. after I'd improved things, made a few nurses redundant and improved the hierarchical accountability infrastructure"

"You mean when you replaced all the ward nurses with administrative officers?"

"YES! The nurses were getting through too much bed linen, drugs, rubber gloves. None of it fitted in properly with the Department of Glossy Brochure and Letterheads' mission statement overview information policy."

"Where did you take it from there?"

"As part of the Patients In Their Place initiative, I decided that the next logical step would be to dismiss all the nurses, completely. The savings in salaries alone was incredible"

"That was just before you rehired the nurses on a part-time agency contract, wasn't it? - and the cost of hiring the nurses through an agency was approximately three times that of paying them a salary?"

"Of course not. The money came out of a different budget. The salary expenditure went down."

"And what happened to that money - now it was no longer paying nurses' salaries?"

"We used it to hire more administrative staff to take care of the paperwork generated by using outside nursing agencies.. Until we decided that closing the ward down completely would..."

There was a loud "Doyyyyoinggg!" rather like the sound of a mash-tun being whacked with a large chrome-vanadium wrench by a passing drayman. The new publicity manager disappeared with a loud "Plop!" The board room shimmered like a mirage, indecisively, and then faded away into sackcloth and whitewashed wall.

"Ohmigod!" I've just had a terrible dream." announced the temperamental artist / talented designer / tea-boy,rubbing his eyes as he emerged from behind a pile of hop sacks.

"Never mind," grinned the drayman, lightly polishing a large chrome-vanadium wrench with his cloth cap. "There's a bloke out front asking for you. Says he's come for an interview as the new publicity manager. Looks keen... got a clipboard and everything."

Another loud "plop!" as the drayman, wrench, hop-sacks and large stainless vessels all disappeared. The temperamental artist became aware of being softly shaken by the shoulder. Everything came back into sharp focus, as the shaking stopped. He yawned, smiled and then breathed a sigh of relied. "Phew!!" Thank god that's all over. It's great to be back to good old solid reality. Thanks for the wake-up. Y' OK?" The large white rabbit nodded in agreement, and pausing only to check the pocket watch which it pulled from the pocket of a bright yellow waistcoat, bounded off across the checkerboard which stretched of to the horizon in every direction.

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Redemption- A.B.V. 5.0%

redemption pumpclipThere was a great deal of excitement in the brewhouse when The Designer shouted across the clanging and hissing and bubbling that he had arrived with the new label with "A kind of Pawn Theme."

He scratched his head blankly as he explained "No, it's not another chessboard picture. It's like pawn - like in a pawn shop.""

"Really?" The Chief Head Underbrewer's assistant's mate banged his head on the sparging grommet as he leaped to his feet shouting,

"You'll never get away with it !!"

Hearing the commotion, the Assistant Chief Underbrewer's Personal Secretary went on strike, chaining herself to the railings outside with a big placard denouncing designers and artist everywhere as filthy pawn merchants and exploiters of the fair sex. The second-unit drayman's focus-puller demanded to know when the tee-shirts would be available and then strolled out to tickle and torment the now helplessly-chained Assistant Chief Underbrewer's Personal Secretary who had drawn quite a crowd by the railings outside. The Brewhouse cat ran for cover, unwilling to put up with another round of escalating bad punning.

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Resolution 4.5%

Resolution pumpclipThis one usually makes an appearance in the early new year. Resolution - geddit? Not sure we have ever used it yet though. Maybe next year....

Great design, though.

 

 

 

 

 

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Restoration 4.2%

Restoration Pumpclip

 

Brewed for the first time in the summer of 2006 using a new (to us) aroma hop, Chinook, which is promised to give lemon and grapefruit flavours. Along with some good bitterness from hops in the copper this should be a refreshing summer drink.

 

 

 

 

 

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Resurrection 4.6%

Resurrection pumpclip"Burke and Hare!" announced Pat Morton, prodding the bemused Artist in the ribs with a reasonably blunt malt-shovel. "The next label. I want a picture of Burke and Hare on it."

"No Way!" protested the bemused artist, crawling out from under a sack of fine malt.

Last night had been quality control night, and he and Pat had done the usual sampling of everything due to go out on the morning dray before settling down for a well-earned kip. Was it that time already?

"I am NOT travelling up to Merseyside at this time of the afternoon, and furthermore... "

A malt-shovel across the ear cut the protest short.

"No, you fool! Burke and Hare, not Birke and Head!"

"Oh... er... ummm....? Oh... Ahhh!!" agreed the now now-longer bemused-Artist suddenly remembering how William Burke, a hardworking Irish lad, had fallen in with William Hare in 1827 and had subsequently been party to some sixteen Nasty Murders - and attendant grave-robbings - in order to furnish the fine medical profession of Edinburgh with uncomplaining specimens for dissection. Eventually Burke had been hanged and, ironically, disassembled himself. Hare, meanwhile, had been afforded the freedom befitting the chief prosecution witness that he had become, and legged it out of recorded history.

"That's them!. Now, go get me a picture of a grave-robbing."

And so it came to pass that the resourceful and talented Artist found himself in low taverns, consorting with cut-purses and footpads and buxom ladies of the night, and in these smoky, oil-lamped taprooms, he made enquiries about where he might find himself a couple of grave-robbers who would be willing to "pose for a painting.."

When the wounds had healed enough, he continued his search and eventually happened upon a Mr Hake and a Mr Bear, who said that not only would they do the job for a shiny half guinea a'piece, but they would also present the resourceful Artist with a freshly dug-up body, to complete the tableau.

After a little persuasion, the somewhat disappointed grave robbers agreed that they would only have to pretend, even though their fee would be considerably lower. They were enthusiastic, however, and they also volunteered the services of a friend who "owed them a favour." Apparently this friend would be delighted to help out and play the part of a freshly-dug-up dead person.

A few days later, in a large and rambling cemetery somewhere in the heart of England, the dawn light picked out an eerie spectacle from the gloom. Messrs Hake and Bear, bedecked in frock-coats and bearing shovels, clustered around a very old grave as only two disreputable tavern-dwellers are able to cluster. Their friend, Reggie Mortice, tightly gagged, and wrapped in a bit of old white cloth, lay at their feet, stuffed into a bit of a hole. Reggie mumbled unintelligibly as the grave-robbers ate their breakfast sandwiches, clutched in dirty fingerless gloves, while the resourceful artist stood off to one side, waiting for the light to become Just Right.

"I think I'll just take a few photographs, rather than paint this from er, life." announced the resourceful artist, packing away his easel and dragging out a camera. "I have a feeling that time may be an issue..."

He managed to get a few pictures of various stages of disinterrment and abduction, before the next scene, which sees out intrepid Artist and models bounding away through the cemetery, a turn of events occasioned by the sudden arrival of The Superintendent of Cemeteries and Large Men who Did Not Smile.

Apparently they had come to investigate because.. Did I mention the smoke bombs, set around the nearby graves to add a little ambience? No I thought not.

Resurrection is a remarkably refreshing beer, thirst-quenching and perfect for a dusty throat.

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Sanctuary 4.2%

Sanctuary pumpclip Hellish redness. Cool, eh?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Stormbringer 4.7%

Stormbringer pumpclipBrewed specially for Time Travellers, Eternal Champions, Hawkwind and Deep Purple fans and anyone who started washing the car on what looked as if it was going to be a fine, sunny afternoon....

Stormclouds brooding in a clear glass - refreshing as rain splashing on your face when the thunder breaks the hot spell.

Grist is mainly Fromage Frais with crystal malt to give a more cheese and biscuits finish Hops are added, mainly English Fuggles but with coriander and digitalis leaves for added stimulation.

 

 

 

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Temptation 4.5%

Temptation pumpclipThe Original label for this envisaged beer style, Temptation, met with some disapproval because of some perceived political-incorrectness. However the "no bimbos" brigade was overruled and the beer went out with the pumpclip as you see.

This has caused the brewery a deal of expense in replacing all the pump clips wot get nicked off the pumps wherever it is dispensed.

The Brewery disclaims all responsibility for this copy which was written by an apprentice beer-taster working his notice after being dismissed for taking an unauthorized tea break.

 

 

 

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Turning Point- A.B.V. 4.5%

Turning Point pumpclipBrewed initially for The Millennium, Turning Point is beery sort of drink.

The picture is a book cover illustration of an H. G. Wells hourglass with the ruined Abbey poking through the sand in the bottom "globe."

Oh, how hard we tried to avoid using the word "Millennium" on the label, and My oh My, how difficult it was to keep the words "Too Faahsand" from creeping into the script of Eastenders as this Aeon drew inexorably to its inevitable, irreversible and apocalyptic conclusion.

Cheering thoughts - drown your misgivings in a large froffy(!) vat of Turning Point and look forward to another thousand years of senseless speculation about the future that only ever comes in special effected widescreen and with gravelly-plummy rasping voice-overs.

"It was a time of drinking... One man stood silently against the tide of blah de blah yakkety schmakkety that was all he knew.. A man alone with a passion for the perfect hop.. One man with the guts to brave the blah de blah Coming to a theatre near you from.. the year..... (squeak) too Faahsand, innit?."

Grist is mainly Alice B Toklas malted to give a more morish munchy can I have some more please type morishness. Nice pointy leaves, these hops.

If anyone remembers the Hula hoop craze of 1960, they will be pleased to learn of the republishing of Beer and Loafing in Las Vegas, a guide to Real Ale and pub sandwiches in the same series as Downing it out in Paris and London and The Sixpack of Notre Dame.

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Vespers - A.B.V. 4.2%

Vespers pumpclip"....Blah blah blah, mumble mumble dome blah.. Verging on the ridiculous!!"

The talented designer woke up half way through the board meeting to catch the tail end of a conversation - again. Picking his head up from the table and shaking his long, flowing locks, the designer joined into the Important Meeting

"Eh? Wassat?" he contributed, sagely

"I said some of this marketing is verging on the ridiculous!" pouted the chief assistant underbrewer's secretary, crossing and crossing her exquisitely tanned, nylon-sheathed legs before whispering, "I mean.. well... It's a bit .you know, silly."

"Silky?" chorused everyone, with perfect Freudian timing.

And so the resourceful artist wandered away to begin work on the Art for the Vespers label, with the comment "Virgin on the ridiculous," still ringing in his confused ears.

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Wheat Beer 4.5%

Wheat beer pumpclipWhat's a wheat beer? Simply enough, it's beer - brewed from wheat, instead of barley. Wheat beers have always been big selling in Germany but have never really been part of the British beer-drinking tradition.

In the past few years, holidaymakers and business visitors have discovered the clean and very different flavour that these beers have to offer, and demand for imported, bottled wheat beer has been steadily increasing in Britain.

There are still very few cask-conditioned wheats available, however, and The Beer Works was pleased to produce the excitingly-named "Wheat Beer" for domestic consumption. The brew has since been continued under the Abbeydale banner, again known by the snappy advertising-hype buzzword Wheat.

Unlike barley-based brews, wheat beer is best served with the sediment in suspension and bottles should be lightly shaken before opening. The cask beer should, likewise, be served cloudy, and one can expect to be treated to the sight of critical, bedevilled beer drinkers who are used to complaining that their precious pint is "too cloudy" instead lifting their glasses to the light and wryly complaining that their pint is "too clear."

Aggrieved cellarmen will be able to grit their teeth and go off and give the cask a good working-over to relieve their frustration.

Some may suggest that in the manner of shaking the baby because he took medicine that hadn't been shaken in the bottle, that the customer could be rolled up and down the cellar steps a few times to see if THAT makes it "cloudy enough, Sir."

Newspaper reports will read "The customers left the pub after the incident, shaken but unhurt."

The original beer label (see the Beer Works Wheat Beer) attempted to remind everyone that the beer should be served cloudy by depicting the Wheat Beer name written in the clouds by a skywriting biplane. The Abbeydale Label is an homage to Van Gogh's series of wheat field paintings - but you'd already spotted that, hadn't you?

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White Christmas 5.2%

White Christmas pumpclipA seasonal beer, brewed just before Christmas.

Contains no turkey, stuffing, pudding, crackers or Christmas trees but simply full of festive spirit.

Some customers would like it brewed all year round, but we won't. So there!

MOPA and wheat malts and Willammett hops.

Every year we try and make a new variety of Christmas spicy hopping, adding juniper, cinnamon, coriander, cloves or anything else we can think of to the aroma hops.

Tends to lead to complaints from publicans in the new year that everything they put through those pipes tastes of Christmas spices. Not really a bad thing, we'd have thought. They do tend not to be amused though.

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White Knight 4.5%

White Knight pumpclip

"How do you get yours so white, particularly at today's low temperatures and with a family of rugby-playing colliers all living in t'kitchen spilling blackcurrant yoghurt all down their fronts all afternoon?"

" I use "White Knight" before every wash. After ten or twelve pints I'm so pissed that I don't care that I'm boiling everything in neat bleach and coughing my lungs up all o'er t'kitchen floor."

"What's with all this chess theme thing, then?" "

"I thought maybe a bit of culture might not come amiss, y'know, pander to the intellectual market a bit and draw a parallel between drinking our beer and y'know... stuff."

" What sort of stuff?"

"Er.. like the interminable confrontation betwixt each man and his neighbour dramatized in the symbolic interplay of facets of our being with their doppelwald internalization as we each struggle to make our way across the chequered illusion of our played-out realities..."

" Oh, you mean... Stuff."

"Mmm. Hmmm."

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White Lady

White lady pumpclipEvery ruined Abbey should have a ghost, and Beauchief has at least a couple, according to local legend and sometimes, gossip.

We thought "Headless Horseman" might not be the ideal name for a refined pale and attractive beer that blah blah.........................

Legless Horseman etc.

An occasional brew, White Lady, is perfect with a traditional English Sunday dinner of roast beef and Yorkshire pudding, carrots and gravy - or, luckily enough, an equally ideal accompaniment to Britain's official favourite Sunday dinner for the Millennium - chicken tikka masala.

 

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Specials


Ascension 5.3%

Ascension pumpclipThis was brewed to celebrate the 50th anniversary of Hillary and Tensing's ascent of Everest. In younger days Pat was a keen mountaineer, though he has not yet realised his ambition of a trip to the Himalaya. Too busy brewing.

"What's the matter, dear?"

"The Matterdeer? Isn't that a peak in the Alps, Darling?"

"No, I think it's a kind of bull fighter. Stop changing the subject. We've got this ale to celebrate the first ascent of Everest by that bloke Hillary and that Sherpa"

"That's incredible. Was it four-wheel drive, then?"

"Don't be stupid. Sherpa was a bloke too. They left all their vehicles miles away."

"In a transit camp?"

"Sigh..."

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Black Lurcher 7.0%/ Firedog

Firedog pumclipBlack Lurcher was brewed specifically to meet the demand for a strong dark and heavy warmer from our very first customer.

In the wilds of Derbyshire, England, on a long and bleak road travelled by ramblers, hikers and climbers resting between steep bits is Wardlow Myers which would be a one-horse town if anyone could find a horse. What it DOES have is The Three Stags Heads, a public house (and pottery) with stone floors, a roaring fire and resident sleepy dogs.

Sleepiest, biggest and most fire-hogging of all (sadly now deceased) is a black lurcher called Sam whose A.B.V. varies with the generosity of customers.

The beer was brewed specifically with this outlet in mind, and it is a great favourite with anyone who has crossed the mountains from far distant Lancashire, as well as the locals.

Although the black lurcher is no more, he is remembered with great fondness. The current dogs at the pub are three whippets - Fanny, Skittles and Hussy.

Occasionally we sell this out into the trade, as a special favour, but then it goes under the name of "Firedog". The eagle-eyed among you will note that the artwork here has the wrong abv.

A complex grist of Maris Otter Pale Ale malt and wheat malt with roasted barley and chocolate malt. Fuggles Hops give just the right amount of bitterness. Liquoricey yet dark and fruity. Molasses and bitter chocolate with a bitter coffee, warm, alcoholic finish.

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Dark Side 5.3%

Dark Side pumpclipWhat's a good angle on a dark autumn beer? We haven't a clue, so we produced Dark Side.

The temperamental artist, who hasn't got an idea in his head, suddenly remembered that this year was the 30th anniversary of the release of a certain Album by a popular music combo what he was allus rather fond of. –of which he was rather fond, I meant.

As an admirer of Hipgnosis, (Aubrey Powell, Peter Christopherson and Storm Thorgerson) who did the original album sleeve, he did this homage using the Abbey Ruin in place of the original prism.

Hey, man! They're releasing the album again - also on vinyl !!

Anyway, during a momentary lapse of reason and besieged by small furry animals gathered together in a cafe… meddle wall division bell .. saucerful of moonshine blether. Come over to the Dark Side, Luke.. it's rather refreshing.

Maybe we'll brew it again for the 40th anniversary.

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James the First 7.3%

James the first pumpclip This beer was brewed specifically for and named after the then landlord (James Birkett) of Sheffield's famous prize-winning New Barrack Tavern as a Birthday Surprise. Once James moved to the Sheaf View it was available there occasionally. Sadly James no longer orders this so the recipe languishes.

Grist - Maris Otter Pale Ale malt and lightly roasted malts hopped with Brammling Cross As James is (was?) Canadian, this was celebrated by priming the cask with a carefully-calculated quantity of a special secret ingredient - maple syrup...

This secret will be passed down through future generations of Head Brewers and many companies will try and steal the formula and produce something similar and pass it off as the real thing.. then diet versions will become available, franchises will work hand in hand with fast-food restaurants and...

James I - A very alcoholic taste with the Maple giving a sweet finish. The combination actually gives a much better tasting beer than one might imagine and few people can guess the secret ingredient. Ah.. synergy!

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HIC! 4%

Brewed specifically for the Human/Computer Interface Conference at Sheffield Hallam University, the beer was sold unlabelled* and was the subject of a beer-naming competition run at the conference. HIC! was the winning name with Dragon Drop a close second. (Drag'n'drop geddit? Well perhaps you have to be a computer nerd expert.)

*When it's available, the pump is labeled with an old CD-ROM or a floppy disk with the beer name scrawled on it as unintelligibly as possible, upside down. Original Gravity = 1034 Alcohol by Volume = 4.7% Back to the list of beers at the top of this page.

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Beerworks


Drop Hammer 4.3%

Drophammer pumpclipSo it is written, so it is sung:

A drop of this does you a lot of good.

A lot of this does you a drop of good.

None of this does you no good at all.

Dropping a full pint is not a good thing.

Drop in and try one.

Maris Otter Pale Ale and Pale Chocolate malt. Lightly hopped with Fuggles and other English hops giving a malty flavour, dominated by the roasted malts with a well-balanced bitterness and delicate hopping adding character.

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Mild 4.0%

mild Apparently MILD is a popular sort of drink in t' Deep South, and with Rich Yuppies and Warwickshire players coming up to t'trubble at t'mill country in the distant 80's, the new fangled rich-man's plaything of a beer so long favoured by the small-portion-eating, non-flat-cap-wearing SUTHERNERS became an acquired taste in the no-nonsense, honest-to-goodness call-a-spade-a-spade, bitter-drinking stronghold of God's own cricket team's county.

Well, if we're going to drink Mlld, Tha might as well drink a good 'un, Eeh bah gum!

Beer Works Mild is everything a good mild should be - dark, mild and er, mild and dark. (Editor's note to Webmaster - You CAN'T put all that "southern" stuff in there, you bigoted idiot. They can't help it.)

Mild was brewed specially for CAMRA's Mild Week in May 1999 Mild Ale malt and Pale Chocolate malts lightly hopped with something-or-other after a Last Rites sampling session (sorry, my notes get a bit illegible at this point).

 

 

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Steel Hammer 4.8%

Steel Hammer pumpclipSteel Hammer - a big selling brew in Sunny Sheffield.

What can we say?

Well, we need to get some advertising sorted to get this festival one-off into proper production.

Have you come up with a slogan yet?

How about "it's what your right arm's for!" - no, some brewery actually used that as a slogan, but for some reason they dropped it.. – Wise move.

"Looks good, tastes good and by golly, it DOES you good!" - – er.... didn't that get withdrawn in 1960 something at about the same time that they banned cigarette advertising?

"Reaches the parts that.." - NO!!!

"Probably the finest high-profit unmatured lager in the world?" - it's neither lager, unmatured nor "refreshingly expensive."

"Makes the opposite sex drool and throw themselves at your feet?" - close, but I don't think we can get away with it.

"Makes the drinker drool and throw themselves at the floor?" - YOU'RE FIRED!

Steel Hammer - hits your thirst Hard!

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Steam Hammer 4.7%

Steam HammerWhen Abbeydale first became a steam brewery, Steam Hammer was put out under the Beer Works Label, followed by the popular Drop Hammer and occasional Steel Hammer.

Heading out of town along Abbeydale Road, past Beauchief Abbey and onwards, we come to Abbeydale Industrial Hamlet, a working museum of Industrial revolution machinery and working methods. A pair of gargantuan trip-hammers there provided the inspiration for the image on the Steam Hammer label even though the beer isn't called Trip Hammer and the Hamlet hammers are NOT driven by steam.

The picture on the label depicts a trip hammer which IS powered by steam. Sorry..

Anyway, the beer tastes good.

Using a similar grist to Drop Hammer, Steam Hammer has Fuggles and Brammling Cross Hops added to give it a unique flavour and distinctive thirst-quenching edge.

 

 

 

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Wheat Beer 5.0%

Wheat beer pumpclipThe original experimental Wheat beer, brewed under the Beer Works Label is now an Abbeydale-labelled Wheat beer. This label is being filed away for use in the Bottling Section for use when we have a special bottled release of the fine wheaty brew.

The beer label attempts to remind everyone that the beer should be served cloudy by depicting the Wheat Beer name written in the clouds by a skywriting biplane.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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UXB 4.7%

UXB pumpclip It's traditional for British independent breweries to produce an esb or exb premium brew and it's now almost as generic as "IPA" or "Best Bitter."

This is ours - UXB - "unexploded beumb" as Inspector Clouseau would say.

Ideal for a Saturday lunch, lounging by "the peule" or while conducting business on the "mobile fern."

We like ours with a crusty baguette filled with brie and moutarde Dijon.

Normally we just have a pack of nuts.

 

 

 

 

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Dr Morton's


Brain Wash 4.7%

Brain Wash pumpclip The first of the Doctor Morton Travelling side-show all-purpose curatives.

This series is on ice for a while, pending the diversification into bottling and the purchase of a covered wagon for peddling at travelling carnivals, spiritist fairs and supermarkets.

 

 

 

 

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Embalming Preparation- A.B.V. 5.0%

Embalming preparation pumpclip Dr Morton' s range of pure pharmaceuticals includes this gently soporific session beer.

Gives any evening a fine finish.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Goat Flush

More popular in certain parts of the country than others.

Dr Morton's range of fine preparations finds application in the inner city metropolitan areas as well as in the wilds of South Yorkshire.

Designed specifically for Westminster parties, Goat Flush is a completely mythical creation and is unlikely to go into full production unless we receive more requests.

Ideal as a goat enema, a refreshing pick-me-up or a volumising shampoo. We like ours with trifle, obviously, and many a Sunday school picnic has been enlivened by...

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Horse Tonic 4.7%

Horse Tonic PumpclipDr Morton's fine range of panactive panaceae and curative unguents includes a small range of veterinary products so that your stock need not feel left out.

Don't shoot your horse - bring him out for a couple of gallons and just see how shiny his coat gets.

Alternatively, drink all yours and then go home to tell your trusty mount how much he'd have enjoyed the pub.

 

 

 

 

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Sheep Remedy

Unsure whether to call this one Sheep Remedy or Squid Repellent.

It was decided that a sheep remedy would be more useful as most people AREN'T troubled by squids in their wainscoting.

Continued usage, according to the instructions will make it unlikely that you wlll be troubled by sheep any more.

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Snake Oil

The artwork for this is in a fireproof vault deep beneath the ruins of an old Abbey somewhere near here, awaiting more forgiving times and a more liberal attitude to censorship.

"But the pinks werre so.. vibrant!!" shouted the poor artist as he was led away in his very special "Artists Coat."

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